usurpers | ic contact 💥 recollé (v2)

I talked to Rose.

[ but there is one thing that rose had said to not tell the sisters— and eren was prepared to keep that half to himself. no hard feelings on clover, or lina, or violet— but rose asked. ]

The blade I use to titanize, [ it’s black, like the night, with a hue of red lining its sharp end. eren always has it on him, and he always uses it to gash open his palm. ] It’s made from Mrs. Wagner’s scales.

[ he knows she’s scared. ]

We’re going to use every option we have before that, Clover.

[ She'd be mad if she ever found out Eren was hiding something from her, but she's a terrible hypocrite. ]

Okay.

I know some of them are going to talk to Zee, so there's that option.

You're not going to?

I don't think he needs to be bombarded by every one of us when the answer he gives one will likely work for all of us.

[ This is 80% a lie. ]

If they did it for me, they’ll do it for you. All of you.

You’re not monsters.

Maybe, maybe not.

I'd say we're all worse than you think.

I’m worse than anyone thinks, you really want to use that with me?

What happened to what we are here? What we’ve been through here? You can lose your powers or your extra memories tomorrow, and that’s what makes you worse or not? It doesn’t. We’re a different case since the day we were born into this world.

I do.

What happened? What happened is that I thought, for one moment, that I didn't love my sisters. For one moment, I couldn't find any love within me. I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel it at all! All I felt was anger. ALL I FELT WAS HATRED.

I've never hated myself more. I've never felt so much hatred.

I can't call myself who I was before. Who I am now isn't Clover. It isn't Four.

I'm just a fucking monster, and I projected on you last month and I'm not sorry and I HATE IT.

i want to forget everything

i hate it i hate i hate it I HATE IT

[ She's crying and hits send instead of delete and doesn't realize it. She can hardly see through the anger that consumes her, the despair that blinds her to anything good, the hatred that tells her she's right.

She's not any different than her sisters by not talking to them about this. She's not any different than every time she thought she was. ]

what was different isn't as different

that's it

[

]

[ but this is, at least, eren’s first time seeing anything like this from her. and how long has it been, possibly, that she’s had this? how long did he not know?

eren can’t argue back. he can’t squeeze her over the phone and pretend it could resolve everything. she can’t see a thing no matter what he said. because eren, despite letting go now, knows what hate is. ]

Where are you now?

Outside the orphanage

Wait there.

[ more words against her wouldn’t help her here, and eren finds that . . . sometimes, there’s nothing that can be said to soothe such a broken sounding heart.

he drives up to the orphanage, not long after he sends his last text, he’s quick and so is his car.

as he walks up to the building, it reminds him of a dream he had, in a distant timeline that did not exist here, but some how— it was still alive to him. it’s the reason why he feels warmth and love when his steps close the distance between them regardless of the separate lives they led, still intertwined in the end. he felt pain and he felt sadness when he remembers her words. he’s still her brother, and even after everything, there’s still a part of him that feels like it has failed her.

he doesn’t want to, though. he wants to shake the sensation off like a heavy coating of snow and do differently every time, as family should. ]

[ A large part of her wanted to bold. She didn't want to stick around to hear what Eren had to say or see what Eren could do. She realized moments after he sent the text the mistake she made.

It's too late now, and if he still wants to see her after her mini-break down, so be it. The orphanage is where it all starts for Clover. In this life, in another happier life, it's still the orphanage. This is where her life changed for better or worse. This is where she gets a family like Four never had.

It's her lifeline, weak and symbolic as it is. If she can't find herself here, where can she?

She stands at the entrance without the courage to walk in more than that, so it doesn't take her long to see Eren come. ]

Are you here to yell at me, Eren?

[ Her voice is cold, colder than she's ever used with him—even when she was falling apart and singing for the world's end. ]

[ there. she is. eren momentarily watched her, only watches, all while he approaches step by step, hands in his coat pockets. ]

You do enough of that.

[ —although, he doesn’t say it pointedly, by any means. eren walks the remaining ways over and sits by her side. ]

I don't really yell at myself.

[ She's rigid from the way she holds herself to the way she talks. Everything is stiff and brittle like the smallest wind could cause her to snap.

She doesn't move away from Eren, and she doesn't take a step closer. ]

I'm tired.

[ and— there he goes, sitting closer to her the second he gets, shoulder to shoulder and just a little more. she’s tense around her frame and all, feeling the core of her stiffness in his palm when his hand falls around her. ]

I know. [ he’d like it, at least, if there was some way she could have rest on him. ] And I know you can’t just shut it off.

[ She doesn't push him away, but she also doesn't lean into him. It's like she's trying to keep herself contained into a really tight ball, but it's not hard to see how close she is to unraveling.

She's so still. She's too still. ]

I wish I could. It would help so much.

ic contact 💥 recollé (v2)

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i’m here to yell at my inbox for eating this tho

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