[ there you go, matt. good job. eren pauses himself, rocking backwards and taking the charm into his hand. ]
Honestly? Neither one. [ this is going to seem a little . . . weird, maybe, he knows. heās had his share of āwhat am i!!!ā but, enough was enough way back when for eren. his tone doesnāt seem upset, justā casual. ] I donāt like guys. I never really liked girls that way either.
[ the sound of his coat shifting against its own fabric zips shortly, as he shrugs and crosses his legs. heās never really. . . held much interest in anyone. no attraction to any worked out abdomen or curves, what have them. ]
I donāt care about labels, though. I just know I like him, before I even realized it.
[ That's a new one. He hasn't heard of that sort of attraction (or lack thereof) before but then again Matt hasn't talked much about this topic since college with anyone until recently when Derek pointed an accusatory finger at him. That and talks about sexuality have changed dramatically just in the time between his graduation from law school and the present. ]
It must have been confusing and frustrating at times. I'm glad you were able to accept yourself and that Elliot makes you happy.
Next time I meet with Elliot I'll have to tell him that we know each other.
[ eren smiles warmly at that, twirling a feather in his finger and feeling pretty . . . at ease. ]
Heāll like that as much as I do. [ his hand claps mattās shoulder, and he returns to his idle workā he doesnāt leave it at that, obviously. ]
āI told myself Iād never date again. I was better off alone, workingā or talking to him, ironically. [ he gives a quiet sigh through his nose. ] Until he moved here.
[ maybe he just had his interest taken for longer than he thought. ]
. . . I think the thing that freaked me out the most was scaring him off.
[ Scaring off the best friend he was speaking with everyday with something like that? ]
Really? It sounds like you two were so close it would have worked out either way. But I guess it is difficult not to worry when your heart is on the line.
Challenging to judge when you're in the middle of it.
[ Sigh. Can definitely relate to that. ]
So you're officially dating then. I hope all your friends and family have been supportive of you two.
I didnāt know he was gay, soā I still worried, how awkward would it be for a friend to know they like you more than that?
[ it was so obvious now that he looks back at it, and he clicks his tongue. he was blind. he just thought they were really good friends, even though they did things that were perhaps even too close for friends to do. the worst was that it was so natural of a feeling, it flew over erenās head. ]
And he never told me for the same reason. If Iād known sooner I wouldāve done something. [ he turns to matt, and while he says it fondly, itās quiet. ] I wouldnāt miss a chance like that. Iāve never been . . . Happy, like this.
[ and truth be told: eren was something of a troublemaker in the past. he got into plenty of fights and anger-induced mishaps, matt knows about those. itās true: eren has never been calmer, and never been happier in a daily basis. he has his bouts, but theyāre so . . . small, in comparison. ]
Funny how that works out. Did you have any mutual friends who noticed it? These things are often obvious from the outside apparently.
[ Speaking of Eren being happy... ]
I can tell you've been happier. You've also been choosing your battles more than you used to. Between graduation and dating Elliot there have been some good changes, an even more impressive feat with Retrospec present. You're establishing yourself as a young man. Guess I won't be using the baby emote for you any more in texts.
A friend noticed through text. [ and he just sort of. rubs his face. he was such a loser. ] She was the one that helped get us together.
[ okay, and he was really strict with soleil, butā he really liked her. he did it out of care. but what matt says nextā thereās an unexpected flutter in his chest, a skip as he stares at his with surprise.
heāsā grown up some. itās that noticeable. he canāt help, after a moment, to smile to himself. ]
Honestly, Retrospec helped. But . . . Still got some ways to go. [ elliotās said that to him quite a few times, and itās something that heās always agreed with. he could always get better, and he wants to. ] āA lot of thingsāve happened. I got memories and real good people that helped me see someone I want to be.
Through text alone? Impressive. Good to hear her help was... Helpful. Third parties don't always help in these circumstances.
[He's speaking from experience. Unfortunate recent experience. His hand starts to tighten around the letter. Thankfully the sound of it crinkling reminds him what he's holding and he stops short of bending it unforgivably far. ]
Growing up doesn't stop with reaching a certain age. You deserve credit for how far you've come though.
[ It's Matt's turn to have a racing heart. He quickly draws in a breath, reminding himself to keep calm. He can poker face his way out of this surely! He shakes his head ever so slightly. ]
It's a letter from a friend. It's uh, actually a funny story. We met at a Summer camp for the performing arts when we were thirteen and became real close. [ Real close? Clarify. ] Like old friends! But at the end of the Summer we had to part ways and lost contact. I had moved in at the orphanage not long before that and this was before people were using the internet for personal communication. We thought of writing but any letter I received would need to be in braille. [ He holds up the envelope currently in hand. ]
So we went our separate ways and then last Thanksgiving one of my friends invited his cousins who just moved to the city to join us and it turned out he- my old friend from the camp was one of them. We've been catching up since then. I guess you could say this letter is one to uh make up for the years we missed writing to each other.
[ Just ignore the fact it's on Valentine's okay Eren? Besides what kind of love letter starts with U R AN ASS? Matt adjusts his glasses and hopes he wasn't too suspicious. ]
I'm surprised... Must have found someone with a braille printer to print this out.
[ if this were just an ordinary thing that came up, it probably wouldāve gone right over erenās head. just friends, summer camp, lost contact, found each other again. sounded like a good friendship to reunite with!
except he said all of this, as in, all this dating stuff, and matt responded with more than a simple explanation. he replied with a story that had meaning behind his nervous uhs. not even with āoh, this is just a friendly letterā, like eren did with bakugouās jerky. ]
Sounds like he really likes you if he went out of his way to find a braille printer.
[ these days, when you have the internet and privacy of a phone? to say the least, it was sweet. ]
[ So much for poker face. Eren's tone gives away the warm smile on his face, not that his words didn't speak volumes. Without thinking Matt jerks his head away and frowns. To his surprise it's relief that hits him next. Of course Eren would accept this news, he has his own boyfriend. Another close friend, family member really, who doesn't bat an eye at the revelation.
He hesitates for a moment before he turns his head toward Eren again to speak in a low voice. ]
I... I really like him too.
That Summer all those years ago I had a truly embarrassing crush on him...
Then I- I went home to the orphanage. And... Well I discovered what I was when the nuns kicked out a couple of the older teens when they caught them together. I put it out of my mind the best I could. I liked girls too so nobody would have to know. In college I reconsidered, dated around a little. But as I was finishing my education I- [ He shakes his head. ] It's a long story.
That's why I never told you before. I only just told Mary a couple months ago.
[ yikes, but aw at the same time. he gets where itās going at least, and he does frown at the explanation out of sympathy. even then, in the end, he half smilesā it feels just a tiny bit familiar. ]
At least you knew for a while. [ but he doesnāt mind not knowing until now. he never had the chance to tell matt either. ] Does he know?
He wants to date, he said he doesn't mind keeping it on the down low since I'm not out yet but... That hardly seems fair to him. He deserves someone who won't feel self conscious about holding his hand in public. Someone who will proudly tell others that he's the one they're with.
That's not even counting this. [ He gestures towards the material covering his face. ] And it's not even a matter of just telling him what I've been doing at night. Last month I got a memory and he was there.
[ eren could say a few things to that. take your time, do what you feel comfortable with, talk to him, or a la grandmother willow: listen to your heart, you will understand š²
but there seems to be something slightly pressing! ]
Waitā he was there in the memory or, he was there when you got the memoryā?
He was in the memory. Our Other Selves knew each other. Last month...
[ He pauses to rub a hand over his face, an action that looks a little funny when half of it is covered. ]
I found out at the beginning of last month. Something bad happened to me then and it triggered a memory where he and I were having an argument. Then about a week later while I was out on patrol a guy jumped him and put a knife to his throat. After I knocked out the attacker he said he recognizes the costume but he doesn't remember who is wearing it. I couldn't bring myself to tell him.
I have concerns about how the Other Life will affect our relationship.
eren inhales, exhalesā sure heās younger and has many ways to go, but if he could give matt a bud of advice, as a friend . . . heāll give it. he can see it in the otherās tone, in the way his lips move that heās worried. that he doesnāt know what to do and is grasping for aids in the air. ]
āYou donāt have to listen to any of this. You can figure out your own way to handle it in the end. But . . . [ he swallows, holding the charm in his hand and reminded of elliot. ] Secrets are the worst things to keep from someone like that.
[ talking. talking, talking, and more talking. talking about problems, talking about worriesā opening up. thatās the only way you can let someone into your life. ]
Itāll be worse when he finds out on his own and knows you didnāt tell him.
[ this visibly hurts to think about. the tenseness across erenās features might not be so easy to pick up, but the tightness in his throat and chest probably is for matt. not by too much, but itās a small change that feels like stirring a pot. ]
. . . Iād do it differently here. [ he couldnāt stand the thought of hurting elliot, letting him down and breaking everything about his own image to him. it almost felt like loss. ] Iād do everything I could, to do it differently. You donāt know if youāll get another chance.
[ Matt takes a deep breath and nods, turning just a little to make sure they aren't being watched. He grabs Eren's shoulder. ]
You're right. You're absolutely right.
[ He gives his shoulder a pat before letting go again, reaching up to his forehead only to remember the mask. He takes another breath and pulls the material up so he properly run his hand over his face this time. ]
Sorry, that was a loaded question and I would never wish that upon you two.
[ With the mask pulled up his emotions are far plainer to see. There's a worried crease in his forehead and there's something more vulnerable about his expression with his eyes out in the open instead of behind a mask or glasses. ]
I just... You want someone important to you to see your better side.
[ yeah, there it is. the worry he felt was most definitely all over his features. no one is looking anyway, eren double checks, but when his shoulder is squeezed, he puts his hand over mattās and claps over it once as well, for good reassurance. ]
I know thatā and Itās just a question.
[ and after a moment, eren says with a little more of a smile. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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That you were gay or bi. Whichever orientation you identify as.
[ Did that come out okay or...? ]
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Honestly? Neither one. [ this is going to seem a little . . . weird, maybe, he knows. heās had his share of āwhat am i!!!ā but, enough was enough way back when for eren. his tone doesnāt seem upset, justā casual. ] I donāt like guys. I never really liked girls that way either.
[ the sound of his coat shifting against its own fabric zips shortly, as he shrugs and crosses his legs. heās never really. . . held much interest in anyone. no attraction to any worked out abdomen or curves, what have them. ]
I donāt care about labels, though. I just know I like him, before I even realized it.
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It must have been confusing and frustrating at times. I'm glad you were able to accept yourself and that Elliot makes you happy.
Next time I meet with Elliot I'll have to tell him that we know each other.
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Heāll like that as much as I do. [ his hand claps mattās shoulder, and he returns to his idle workā he doesnāt leave it at that, obviously. ]
āI told myself Iād never date again. I was better off alone, workingā or talking to him, ironically. [ he gives a quiet sigh through his nose. ] Until he moved here.
[ maybe he just had his interest taken for longer than he thought. ]
. . . I think the thing that freaked me out the most was scaring him off.
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Really? It sounds like you two were so close it would have worked out either way. But I guess it is difficult not to worry when your heart is on the line.
Challenging to judge when you're in the middle of it.
[ Sigh. Can definitely relate to that. ]
So you're officially dating then. I hope all your friends and family have been supportive of you two.
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[ it was so obvious now that he looks back at it, and he clicks his tongue. he was blind. he just thought they were really good friends, even though they did things that were perhaps even too close for friends to do. the worst was that it was so natural of a feeling, it flew over erenās head. ]
And he never told me for the same reason. If Iād known sooner I wouldāve done something. [ he turns to matt, and while he says it fondly, itās quiet. ] I wouldnāt miss a chance like that. Iāve never been . . . Happy, like this.
[ and truth be told: eren was something of a troublemaker in the past. he got into plenty of fights and anger-induced mishaps, matt knows about those. itās true: eren has never been calmer, and never been happier in a daily basis. he has his bouts, but theyāre so . . . small, in comparison. ]
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[ Speaking of Eren being happy... ]
I can tell you've been happier. You've also been choosing your battles more than you used to. Between graduation and dating Elliot there have been some good changes, an even more impressive feat with Retrospec present. You're establishing yourself as a young man. Guess I won't be using the baby emote for you any more in texts.
[ Never forget Matt learning how to use emojis. Sept 2017. ]
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[ okay, and he was really strict with soleil, butā he really liked her. he did it out of care. but what matt says nextā thereās an unexpected flutter in his chest, a skip as he stares at his with surprise.
heāsā grown up some. itās that noticeable. he canāt help, after a moment, to smile to himself. ]
Honestly, Retrospec helped. But . . . Still got some ways to go. [ elliotās said that to him quite a few times, and itās something that heās always agreed with. he could always get better, and he wants to. ] āA lot of thingsāve happened. I got memories and real good people that helped me see someone I want to be.
[ youāre included, buster. ]
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[He's speaking from experience. Unfortunate recent experience. His hand starts to tighten around the letter.
Thankfully the sound of it crinkling reminds him what he's holding and he stops short of bending it unforgivably far. ]
Growing up doesn't stop with reaching a certain age. You deserve credit for how far you've come though.
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[ itās always good to bask in it just a tiny bit, but watching matt for a second and looking up and down, especially to the letterā ]
What about you?
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[ He didn't expect the conversation subject to turn to him. He lifts his face slightly, lips parting. ]
Regarding what?
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[ you know, dating, and stuff . . . matt just seemed too thoughtful about that last part. he taps the top of the letter. ]
Whoās it from?
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It's a letter from a friend. It's uh, actually a funny story. We met at a Summer camp for the performing arts when we were thirteen and became real close. [ Real close? Clarify. ] Like old friends! But at the end of the Summer we had to part ways and lost contact. I had moved in at the orphanage not long before that and this was before people were using the internet for personal communication. We thought of writing but any letter I received would need to be in braille. [ He holds up the envelope currently in hand. ]
So we went our separate ways and then last Thanksgiving one of my friends invited his cousins who just moved to the city to join us and it turned out he- my old friend from the camp was one of them. We've been catching up since then. I guess you could say this letter is one to uh make up for the years we missed writing to each other.
[ Just ignore the fact it's on Valentine's okay Eren? Besides what kind of love letter starts with U R AN ASS? Matt adjusts his glasses and hopes he wasn't too suspicious. ]
I'm surprised... Must have found someone with a braille printer to print this out.
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except he said all of this, as in, all this dating stuff, and matt responded with more than a simple explanation. he replied with a story that had meaning behind his nervous uhs. not even with āoh, this is just a friendly letterā, like eren did with bakugouās jerky. ]
Sounds like he really likes you if he went out of his way to find a braille printer.
[ these days, when you have the internet and privacy of a phone? to say the least, it was sweet. ]
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He hesitates for a moment before he turns his head toward Eren again to speak in a low voice. ]
I... I really like him too.
That Summer all those years ago I had a truly embarrassing crush on him...
Then I- I went home to the orphanage. And... Well I discovered what I was when the nuns kicked out a couple of the older teens when they caught them together. I put it out of my mind the best I could. I liked girls too so nobody would have to know. In college I reconsidered, dated around a little. But as I was finishing my education I- [ He shakes his head. ]
It's a long story.
That's why I never told you before. I only just told Mary a couple months ago.
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At least you knew for a while. [ but he doesnāt mind not knowing until now. he never had the chance to tell matt either. ] Does he know?
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He wants to date, he said he doesn't mind keeping it on the down low since I'm not out yet but... That hardly seems fair to him. He deserves someone who won't feel self conscious about holding his hand in public. Someone who will proudly tell others that he's the one they're with.
That's not even counting this. [ He gestures towards the material covering his face. ] And it's not even a matter of just telling him what I've been doing at night. Last month I got a memory and he was there.
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but there seems to be something slightly pressing! ]
Waitā he was there in the memory or, he was there when you got the memoryā?
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[ He pauses to rub a hand over his face, an action that looks a little funny when half of it is covered. ]
I found out at the beginning of last month. Something bad happened to me then and it triggered a memory where he and I were having an argument. Then about a week later while I was out on patrol a guy jumped him and put a knife to his throat. After I knocked out the attacker he said he recognizes the costume but he doesn't remember who is wearing it. I couldn't bring myself to tell him.
I have concerns about how the Other Life will affect our relationship.
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eren inhales, exhalesā sure heās younger and has many ways to go, but if he could give matt a bud of advice, as a friend . . . heāll give it. he can see it in the otherās tone, in the way his lips move that heās worried. that he doesnāt know what to do and is grasping for aids in the air. ]
āYou donāt have to listen to any of this. You can figure out your own way to handle it in the end. But . . . [ he swallows, holding the charm in his hand and reminded of elliot. ] Secrets are the worst things to keep from someone like that.
[ talking. talking, talking, and more talking. talking about problems, talking about worriesā opening up. thatās the only way you can let someone into your life. ]
Itāll be worse when he finds out on his own and knows you didnāt tell him.
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...What would you do if you found out you were friends with Elliot in the other life but you let him down and hurt him?
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. . . Iād do it differently here. [ he couldnāt stand the thought of hurting elliot, letting him down and breaking everything about his own image to him. it almost felt like loss. ] Iād do everything I could, to do it differently. You donāt know if youāll get another chance.
So, Iād take it.
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You're right. You're absolutely right.
[ He gives his shoulder a pat before letting go again, reaching up to his forehead only to remember the mask. He takes another breath and pulls the material up so he properly run his hand over his face this time. ]
Sorry, that was a loaded question and I would never wish that upon you two.
[ With the mask pulled up his emotions are far plainer to see. There's a worried crease in his forehead and there's something more vulnerable about his expression with his eyes out in the open instead of behind a mask or glasses. ]
I just... You want someone important to you to see your better side.
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I know thatā and Itās just a question.
[ and after a moment, eren says with a little more of a smile. ]
Youāve got a ton to show, soā show him.
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Right.
I'll uh... I'll have to introduce you to him sometime. I think you'd get along, he has a great sense of humor.
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