[ oh, james . . . eren lifts his hand to james’ opposite shoulder, gripping and giving a firm shake. he’ll still visit, if anything, for you, but right now eren prefers to say that afterwards and give james his opportunity to speak and be heard. baby steps, james.
although, this is already starting to sound familiar, granted eren has traced back four different sources to his memories. eren jaeger, geisha jaeger, freida reiss and eren krüger. ]
Yeah. The first guy was an American soldier. This other guy, I don't even know his name...but I know he was Russian. Soviet. Everything I remember from him is from the 50s and 60s, years after the first guy died. He was some...spy assassin. He'd get orders from the general to take someone out, and all he'd do was ask "how accidental do you want it to look."
Most of the people he killed were innocent. Civilians. Or at least not actively hurting anyone. Ambassadors. Defectors.
[ He tries to swallow the thick lump in his throat and his voice comes out mealy and miserable. He feels kind of stupid, not being able to talk about this with as much composure as Eren was able to discuss his own memories, but it's the first time he's breathing any of this aloud. James has been trying to keep this hidden away for a while, like maybe if he just ignores it hard enough it won't matter and will go away. But Eren knowing about it now means that it can't--at least one person is going to know this about him and it's going to become a part of him, whether he likes it or not. ]
I locked an entire team of UN peacekeepers in a hotel and set the whole place on fire. One time I pretended to be an American soldier and spent an entire night out drinking with some other Americans, then sabotaged their car to make it look like they got in an accident. None of it...mattered to me. All that mattered was carrying out my orders.
how much of the same boat are they sharing right now? different circumstances and perhaps different intent, but— it doesn’t remove the fact that both were still horrible. had eren never gotten his own memories, he’d probably find some difficulty in understanding this—
but it was difficult. it was, especially when that wasn’t you and you just— had to do it. for a moment, the russian man james speaks of makes eren wander far; there was a reason for their actions, a knowing choice they all made whether for their own gain or a greater one. eren’s eyes fall somewhere once they see james and how transparent he’s being, offering to guide them to sit on a bench.
eren’s talked about this with other people before; his collection comes from many times where he spoke completely broken. where he wept and felt hopeless, felt guilty, to have so many deaths on his back for something that, on the surface, could seem utterly selfish.
there were too many layers to understand at once, especially when they’re given scattered pieces. ]
I want to say it’s in the past, [ like he constantly thinks in the front, but . . . it’s not what he always feels. there’s a pause, for him to swallow too. ] but only someone who’s felt a burden like ours knows what it’s like. [ a shuffle of his arms as he crosses them together against each other. ]
It’s not easy to move forward. Especially when memories are pretty much shadows. [ they’re just always following behind you, wherever you go. ]
[ He nods, relaxing just a little. It's not that he thought Eren would freak out on him about this, but...having actually gotten it out, he does feel like he can breathe a little easier. Not well, but easier. ]
Technically, we didn't do any of those things. And it's not like the people we killed even existed in the first place. Nothing happened, so...it shouldn't matter.
[ but . . . it wasn’t so easy to shake off for him, either.
as for feeling what they feel for it— you simply grow up learning that killing people is wrong. there are a lot of gray areas in between and they almost always begin to stray from it, somehow. ]
And maybe we’re not the same people now, but we were at some point. [ he raises his gaze to james. ] We just can’t get lost in these.
[ James turns away from Eren's sight. He might say that, but James is pretty sure it is him. He's increasingly convinced it's something built into him and all the memories are doing is making it obvious. Eren might say it wasn't them and they're different now, but James clearly still has whatever it was that made his other self such a a cold killer.
But he doesn't have the courage to admit to that. As hard as it is to admit that his past life is a ruthless assassin, it's even harder to admit that he, himself, in this life is a murderer too. An attempted one, anyway. ]
So we're supposed to just run from it and ignore it instead?
Most people do that. I did it. [ even if it was for a short while— it was still time spent in denial and just wallowing. eren goes quiet and bites his lip from the inside of his mouth. ] Temporary fixes don’t work for anyone.
[ — the breath he inhales catches in his throat, about to say something but swallowing anyway. ]
What is it that bothers you the most? The killing or how it’s done?
[ As ugly as it sounds, the fact of killing does not bother James so much, not in the abstract anyway. ]
Killing soldiers to save your life--or someone else's--that makes sense. It's the--the making people slowly burn to death. Framing other people for it and letting them take the fall for what you did. The civilians, or the people actually trying to make the world a better place.
[ Soldiers, even if they were unwillingly drafted, at least knew the dangers they faced. Civilians are not just innocent, but also harmless. James remembers killing plenty of men in battle--and he's not particularly happy about it, but nor is he upset. It's the nature of war and self defense. But James has trouble understanding or accepting the sort of person who would be able to disregard them so easily and so often. ]
You don’t know if they were the good people you thought they were.
[ he isn’t trying to justify their acts, but . . . it is easier to cope with when you understood the thought behind it as something farther away from senseless. ]
If you were the one trying to make a difference, it’d change how you felt. We didn’t like what we did, but we did it for a reason. Maybe because no one else would’ve.
[ eren knows for a fact that no one would’ve done what he had. it was crazy and a little more than suicidal, risky at best as it was destructive.hell, maybe now he wouldn’t do it . . . given the circumstance. it’s why he wants to avoid it now. ]
[ eren looks a little . . . pale, all of a sudden. his hands are cold, he’s frozen stiff, and all he could remember was fire. fire, watching through a crack in a closet door, the shrieks of what was his family burning alive in a mammoth blaze. behind their suffering are soldiers, a pot of oil in hand and a candle in another.
this wasn’t eren jaeger’s family, this was someone else’s, faintly looking into his father’s younger eyes and recalling the incident. he was just a kid back then, a memory inside a memory. this was “the owl” again.
when eren’s good enough to speak, his eyes are a little teary, bubbling up from his eyelids and ready to stream. he tries to tell himself to keep it together— it’s just a memory, and it’s long gone. it wasn’t even his. it didn’t mean that it didn’t feel like it, though. ]
The world isn’t as . . . Black and white as we want it to be. None of them are. [ eren sucks in a breath. with everything else that he’s seen put together— ] You either adapt or your will dies with you.
[ oh, shit. James knows that look--that's the look of a past-life flashback. Did he cause that? Damn. He almost feels bad, if not for the bullshit Eren's spewing right now. ]
Yeah--if you're the one getting attacked! You don't get to kill innocent people and act all righteous about it by pretending they were gonna kill you first!
[ except he falls quiet to breath and wipe the watery build up in his eyes before they drip. ]
To be honest . . . I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. All you need to be the bad guy is someone saying you are. Same thing with being the savior.
[ That, finally, gives James pause. Sure, the second man he's remembering is rotten to the core, through and through. But Bucky...as heroic as Bucky and the Invaders were, there was a lot of propaganda surrounding them even on the homefront, building them up to be much more righteous than reality. And he's sure he was demonized just as heavily on the other side, too. It really is all relative.
He doesn't like there being that much ambiguity or vagueness. He clenches his fists. ]
Then--what's the point of anything? If that's all it takes, then why bother trying to do the right thing at all? If the "right thing" is just something someone made up anyway?
You do what you think is right. Even if it costs you.
[ that’s how . . . he’s always done things. even if he was humanity’s last hope one minute and the devil ready to destroy a nation the next, he always had one thing in common. he kept moving. with a hand briefly on james’ shoulder: ]
You keep moving forward. That’s all that really matters.
"Keep moving forward." "Do what you think is right." They're nice, sound sentiments in theory. But in practicality...he's pretty sure that's exactly what this Soviet assassin past life of his was doing and thought, more or less. What he thought was "right" was just following orders and ensuring the glory of Mother Russia, or whatever the hell. So then what's the difference? How does Eren's stance on things absolve him of anything? ]
No. That's bullshit. Screw moving forward--I'd rather stay still if it meant I didn't have to hurt anyone.
[ well! this is probably the first real time eren can bring himself to smile. maybe james didn’t get the full depth of what he meant, but—
he’s happy to hear it. ]
That’s still moving forward, you know. To something different. [ a change in heart that they knew they didn’t want. ] That’s all that matters.
[ he never considered leaving the air force to put an end to things. maybe more like . . . . giving himself a change of direction. he takes james’ shoulder and gives it a firm shake. ] I don’t think I can see you standing still, anyway.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
✖️ JAMES
[ oh, james . . . eren lifts his hand to james’ opposite shoulder, gripping and giving a firm shake. he’ll still visit, if anything, for you, but right now eren prefers to say that afterwards and give james his opportunity to speak and be heard. baby steps, james.
although, this is already starting to sound familiar, granted eren has traced back four different sources to his memories. eren jaeger, geisha jaeger, freida reiss and eren krüger. ]
A completely different person?
no subject
Yeah. The first guy was an American soldier. This other guy, I don't even know his name...but I know he was Russian. Soviet. Everything I remember from him is from the 50s and 60s, years after the first guy died. He was some...spy assassin. He'd get orders from the general to take someone out, and all he'd do was ask "how accidental do you want it to look."
Most of the people he killed were innocent. Civilians. Or at least not actively hurting anyone. Ambassadors. Defectors.
[ He tries to swallow the thick lump in his throat and his voice comes out mealy and miserable. He feels kind of stupid, not being able to talk about this with as much composure as Eren was able to discuss his own memories, but it's the first time he's breathing any of this aloud. James has been trying to keep this hidden away for a while, like maybe if he just ignores it hard enough it won't matter and will go away. But Eren knowing about it now means that it can't--at least one person is going to know this about him and it's going to become a part of him, whether he likes it or not. ]
I locked an entire team of UN peacekeepers in a hotel and set the whole place on fire. One time I pretended to be an American soldier and spent an entire night out drinking with some other Americans, then sabotaged their car to make it look like they got in an accident. None of it...mattered to me. All that mattered was carrying out my orders.
no subject
how much of the same boat are they sharing right now? different circumstances and perhaps different intent, but— it doesn’t remove the fact that both were still horrible. had eren never gotten his own memories, he’d probably find some difficulty in understanding this—
but it was difficult. it was, especially when that wasn’t you and you just— had to do it. for a moment, the russian man james speaks of makes eren wander far; there was a reason for their actions, a knowing choice they all made whether for their own gain or a greater one. eren’s eyes fall somewhere once they see james and how transparent he’s being, offering to guide them to sit on a bench.
eren’s talked about this with other people before; his collection comes from many times where he spoke completely broken. where he wept and felt hopeless, felt guilty, to have so many deaths on his back for something that, on the surface, could seem utterly selfish.
there were too many layers to understand at once, especially when they’re given scattered pieces. ]
I want to say it’s in the past, [ like he constantly thinks in the front, but . . . it’s not what he always feels. there’s a pause, for him to swallow too. ] but only someone who’s felt a burden like ours knows what it’s like. [ a shuffle of his arms as he crosses them together against each other. ]
It’s not easy to move forward. Especially when memories are pretty much shadows. [ they’re just always following behind you, wherever you go. ]
no subject
Technically, we didn't do any of those things. And it's not like the people we killed even existed in the first place. Nothing happened, so...it shouldn't matter.
[ He folds his arms. ]
Except it does, for some dumb reason.
no subject
[ but . . . it wasn’t so easy to shake off for him, either.
as for feeling what they feel for it— you simply grow up learning that killing people is wrong. there are a lot of gray areas in between and they almost always begin to stray from it, somehow. ]
And maybe we’re not the same people now, but we were at some point. [ he raises his gaze to james. ] We just can’t get lost in these.
no subject
But he doesn't have the courage to admit to that. As hard as it is to admit that his past life is a ruthless assassin, it's even harder to admit that he, himself, in this life is a murderer too. An attempted one, anyway. ]
So we're supposed to just run from it and ignore it instead?
no subject
[ — the breath he inhales catches in his throat, about to say something but swallowing anyway. ]
What is it that bothers you the most? The killing or how it’s done?
no subject
[ As ugly as it sounds, the fact of killing does not bother James so much, not in the abstract anyway. ]
Killing soldiers to save your life--or someone else's--that makes sense. It's the--the making people slowly burn to death. Framing other people for it and letting them take the fall for what you did. The civilians, or the people actually trying to make the world a better place.
[ Soldiers, even if they were unwillingly drafted, at least knew the dangers they faced. Civilians are not just innocent, but also harmless. James remembers killing plenty of men in battle--and he's not particularly happy about it, but nor is he upset. It's the nature of war and self defense. But James has trouble understanding or accepting the sort of person who would be able to disregard them so easily and so often. ]
no subject
[ he isn’t trying to justify their acts, but . . . it is easier to cope with when you understood the thought behind it as something farther away from senseless. ]
If you were the one trying to make a difference, it’d change how you felt. We didn’t like what we did, but we did it for a reason. Maybe because no one else would’ve.
[ eren knows for a fact that no one would’ve done what he had. it was crazy and a little more than suicidal, risky at best as it was destructive.hell, maybe now he wouldn’t do it . . . given the circumstance. it’s why he wants to avoid it now. ]
no subject
Yeah, because no one else was morally bankrupt enough to go ahead and get their hands dirty murdering good people in front of their kids.
no subject
this wasn’t eren jaeger’s family, this was someone else’s, faintly looking into his father’s younger eyes and recalling the incident. he was just a kid back then, a memory inside a memory. this was “the owl” again.
when eren’s good enough to speak, his eyes are a little teary, bubbling up from his eyelids and ready to stream. he tries to tell himself to keep it together— it’s just a memory, and it’s long gone. it wasn’t even his. it didn’t mean that it didn’t feel like it, though. ]
The world isn’t as . . . Black and white as we want it to be. None of them are. [ eren sucks in a breath. with everything else that he’s seen put together— ] You either adapt or your will dies with you.
no subject
Yeah--if you're the one getting attacked! You don't get to kill innocent people and act all righteous about it by pretending they were gonna kill you first!
no subject
[ except he falls quiet to breath and wipe the watery build up in his eyes before they drip. ]
To be honest . . . I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. All you need to be the bad guy is someone saying you are. Same thing with being the savior.
no subject
He doesn't like there being that much ambiguity or vagueness. He clenches his fists. ]
Then--what's the point of anything? If that's all it takes, then why bother trying to do the right thing at all? If the "right thing" is just something someone made up anyway?
no subject
[ that’s how . . . he’s always done things. even if he was humanity’s last hope one minute and the devil ready to destroy a nation the next, he always had one thing in common. he kept moving. with a hand briefly on james’ shoulder: ]
You keep moving forward. That’s all that really matters.
no subject
"Keep moving forward." "Do what you think is right." They're nice, sound sentiments in theory. But in practicality...he's pretty sure that's exactly what this Soviet assassin past life of his was doing and thought, more or less. What he thought was "right" was just following orders and ensuring the glory of Mother Russia, or whatever the hell. So then what's the difference? How does Eren's stance on things absolve him of anything? ]
No. That's bullshit. Screw moving forward--I'd rather stay still if it meant I didn't have to hurt anyone.
no subject
he’s happy to hear it. ]
That’s still moving forward, you know. To something different. [ a change in heart that they knew they didn’t want. ] That’s all that matters.
[ he never considered leaving the air force to put an end to things. maybe more like . . . . giving himself a change of direction. he takes james’ shoulder and gives it a firm shake. ] I don’t think I can see you standing still, anyway.
no subject
I'll show you who can stand still.
[ IS THAT A CHALLENGE, EREN??? ]
no subject
okay he laughs ]
I believe it.
[ he does mean it though!!! there’s no teasing here. if that’s how james deals, than that is how james deals. and he likes it. ]
Keep standing still, then.