[ eren might not be the best at quieting down, and he doesn’t truly think about how messy and stained elliot’s going to be if they hug, but— too late. the second elliot gives signal that his arms are moving, eren’s own arms practically fly around his back without second notice. his face burrows into his shoulder and his cries go muffled, not silenced. his whole body trembles into elliot’s, his shoulders shudder up and down until he’s gasping to breathe all over again.
he holds him tightly, because in this life, he has lost one, now two, and he never wants it to become three. how much control did he have over that? it’s what terrified him the most in this moment of stripped free will. free will didn’t mean anything if you couldn’t change an outcome regardless of what you do.
it takes quite a while for eren to soften in volume; he still shakes and he still embraced elliot as if fearful that he’d be robbed of him, too. only giving his mouth room to breath fresh air near his boyfriend’s neck, eren whispers to him, the quake in his voice ever present but settled enough to speak. ]
I told her . . . To get to know Four better. [ he inhales a hissed breath, and snorts through his running nose. ] I told her to, to— use her power, t-to control, it.
[ his breathing roughs up again, and the calm that he had only seemed to feign that he achieved slips from his fingers like water. like the dying flower that slipped through his hands and disappeared. ]
She knew how— d-dangerous it, was and I still— [ still encouraged her, still told her to push on, because running away from it was worse.
if he knew this would’ve happened, he would’ve told her to wait. ]
[Elliot holds on tight, not caring at all how tightly Eren is clinging. He rubs his back soothingly, to help get him to breath. He's there for Eren, just like all the times Eren's been for him.
Lucky for Eren, his hearing is good enough that he can make out that quaking whisper. Oh...poor Eren. Of course he would blame himself for this. ]
You had no way of knowing this would happen. [He whispers back, but with a firmer tone in his voice] Learning to control your power is sound advice.
[Out of control powers could be just as dangerous. He's seen it happen with Eren and Natty. ]
And...this might've happened even if you hadn't said anything.
[For all he knows, this could've happened eventually no matter what. Clover didn't exactly SEEM in control with all this]
[ eren says, louder than his hushes and defiant to the words in his favor. why was it better to think it was his fault? maybe to save the blame, or any blame clover had on herself, or anyone else. maybe it was something he felt as if he could shoulder somehow.
or maybe it was just easier to accept that he could’ve done something, rather than live with knowing that there was nothing he could do to change anything, as if this was all fated to happen. ]
This could’ve been stopped, [ he swallows sharply, and dry ] if she had more time, her own time. Not someone who’d— keep . . . Nagging. I’m not Mom, I’m— I’m her brother. And I wasn’t there.
[ this is starting to feel like a cycle he didn’t want back in his life. inhaling, eren pulls himself away from the longtime embrace, hands still gripping elliot’s arms tightly, but his eyes— his eyes are desperate and pleading, his face is a mess of tears and fluid, and for once, with emotion as raw as it could be, it shows: he’s afraid. not of what has just happened, he can’t do anything about it now, but perhaps what the earlier words entail for him.
that he’s fated, again. ]
I need to know that I could still change things, Elliot. Or else everything I live for . . . Doesn’t mean a thing again.
[ he needs to know that his choices are still free. that if he wasn’t there for clover, he’d had to live with that guilt, in punishment for his own neglecting, and change for the better. change his path so that this wouldn’t happen again. ]
[You know, there's a little irony in the fact that Eren is blaming himself for always acting like he's right...and then immediately goes to try to talk over Elliot's disagreements to show that he's the right one here.
Elliot picks up on that irony anyway, but he won't point it out. Most of what Eren is saying is coming from a place of pain and grief. It's so easy to feel helpless in times like now.]
You can still change things. Your life has meaning, Eren. Just...not everything for everyone.
Some things are...out of our control. [He'll lift up his hand to brush Eren's hair out of the way] We don't...neither of us are Clover. We don't know what caused it. But I don't think it was you..or at the very least, you alone.
[ eren has massive flaws he can never fix even when he’s aware of them
but opening his mouth to talk back brings out nothing. his voice doesn’t come. he has nothing to say, he has nothing to change things around and make at least a little bit of this bearable. these things just aren’t meant to be be enjured easily.
so eren falls back, silent and verbally subdued, his head hanging and his shoulders still occasionally jumping from hiccups. after that stretch, and only moments of his simply holding elliot’s hand, he asks genuinely, with his head searching for his shoulder to rest on and elliot’s scent to breathe: ]
What do I tell Mom?
[ it was a serious question— does he wait? does he say something now? what if retrospec brings her back? what if they don’t? ]
It was Elliot's turn to be quiet, because that thought hadn't occurred to him. And now that it has, it makes him feel incredibly guilty for not thinking of it. He didn't have parents anymore, so it was easy to forget other people had someone to check in with. People loved them yet weren't on the app so they couldn't understand everything.
What do you even say...]
I...I don't know. [He'll admit to it. no point in pretending otherwise] What...do you think she'd want you to say?
I’m afraid to say something, or wait, [ another tight swallow, so much that his throat smacks. ] and be wrong.
[ it was probably one of the worst things to be caught between. ]
Mom’d always want the truth.
[ but maybe . . . it should be something he could think more about. maybe after— ]
I need to— [ his eyes water when eren glances down at his clothes, but weep he doesn’t. he only blinks rapidly to keep them at bay, and wants to get up. ] I need to help clean this up.
[ eren nods, mostly in apology to what elliot meant— it’s easy to mix things up when you’re head is running laps upon laps. having a hand against a splintered bench, he’s sure to dig deep into the wood in one swoop, else he’d think twice to hurt himself. a little of his own blood was all he needed anyway. ]
. . . I don’t know what she’d want.
[ which was highly troubling. after this? it was hard to pinpoint what clover was feeling, why she broke, why she did this. with the mind sent she had been in now, it was almost possible to think that she’d want out of everything asap. she was gone, end of story.
but eren knows that love was all she really wanted, even if it hadn’t been enough. ]
[ eren was usually so bright, full of energy, full of life in his eyes enough to make it contagious— but now he just seems drained from it all, like it had been stolen from him and hadn’t the strength to get it back. feeling hopeless, for someone always full of hope, was a terrible ordeal.
even if he could think about it later, clover was the only one that clung to his thoughts. clover, and how his family fell apart again.
squeezing elliot’s hand, he nods for them to continue. they had to clean this up as much as they could without most of the city freaking out. not that they already weren’t.
eren shifts, the only sound made that same loud boom and static, then begins by cupping the split benches and footing the debris of a crater into a single pile. the titan only breathes. he makes no sound. ]
[It says a lot about Elliot's life that he isn't startled by Eren suddenly shifting. He just tries to step back to make sure he's out of Eren's way and he doesn't get stepped on. But even then, he's more worried about Eren's state than actual fear of any titan.
So he keeps an eye on him, bending down to pick up any little pieces that a human his size could haul over to the pile. Not...as effective as a big titan, but hey give him a break]
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no subject
he holds him tightly, because in this life, he has lost one, now two, and he never wants it to become three. how much control did he have over that? it’s what terrified him the most in this moment of stripped free will. free will didn’t mean anything if you couldn’t change an outcome regardless of what you do.
it takes quite a while for eren to soften in volume; he still shakes and he still embraced elliot as if fearful that he’d be robbed of him, too. only giving his mouth room to breath fresh air near his boyfriend’s neck, eren whispers to him, the quake in his voice ever present but settled enough to speak. ]
I told her . . . To get to know Four better. [ he inhales a hissed breath, and snorts through his running nose. ] I told her to, to— use her power, t-to control, it.
[ his breathing roughs up again, and the calm that he had only seemed to feign that he achieved slips from his fingers like water. like the dying flower that slipped through his hands and disappeared. ]
She knew how— d-dangerous it, was and I still— [ still encouraged her, still told her to push on, because running away from it was worse.
if he knew this would’ve happened, he would’ve told her to wait. ]
Why do I think I’m always right—?
no subject
Lucky for Eren, his hearing is good enough that he can make out that quaking whisper. Oh...poor Eren. Of course he would blame himself for this. ]
You had no way of knowing this would happen. [He whispers back, but with a firmer tone in his voice] Learning to control your power is sound advice.
[Out of control powers could be just as dangerous. He's seen it happen with Eren and Natty. ]
And...this might've happened even if you hadn't said anything.
[For all he knows, this could've happened eventually no matter what. Clover didn't exactly SEEM in control with all this]
no subject
[ eren says, louder than his hushes and defiant to the words in his favor. why was it better to think it was his fault? maybe to save the blame, or any blame clover had on herself, or anyone else. maybe it was something he felt as if he could shoulder somehow.
or maybe it was just easier to accept that he could’ve done something, rather than live with knowing that there was nothing he could do to change anything, as if this was all fated to happen. ]
This could’ve been stopped, [ he swallows sharply, and dry ] if she had more time, her own time. Not someone who’d— keep . . . Nagging. I’m not Mom, I’m— I’m her brother. And I wasn’t there.
[ this is starting to feel like a cycle he didn’t want back in his life. inhaling, eren pulls himself away from the longtime embrace, hands still gripping elliot’s arms tightly, but his eyes— his eyes are desperate and pleading, his face is a mess of tears and fluid, and for once, with emotion as raw as it could be, it shows: he’s afraid. not of what has just happened, he can’t do anything about it now, but perhaps what the earlier words entail for him.
that he’s fated, again. ]
I need to know that I could still change things, Elliot. Or else everything I live for . . . Doesn’t mean a thing again.
[ he needs to know that his choices are still free. that if he wasn’t there for clover, he’d had to live with that guilt, in punishment for his own neglecting, and change for the better. change his path so that this wouldn’t happen again. ]
no subject
Elliot picks up on that irony anyway, but he won't point it out. Most of what Eren is saying is coming from a place of pain and grief. It's so easy to feel helpless in times like now.]
You can still change things. Your life has meaning, Eren. Just...not everything for everyone.
Some things are...out of our control. [He'll lift up his hand to brush Eren's hair out of the way] We don't...neither of us are Clover. We don't know what caused it. But I don't think it was you..or at the very least, you alone.
no subject
but opening his mouth to talk back brings out nothing. his voice doesn’t come. he has nothing to say, he has nothing to change things around and make at least a little bit of this bearable. these things just aren’t meant to be be enjured easily.
so eren falls back, silent and verbally subdued, his head hanging and his shoulders still occasionally jumping from hiccups. after that stretch, and only moments of his simply holding elliot’s hand, he asks genuinely, with his head searching for his shoulder to rest on and elliot’s scent to breathe: ]
What do I tell Mom?
[ it was a serious question— does he wait? does he say something now? what if retrospec brings her back? what if they don’t? ]
no subject
It was Elliot's turn to be quiet, because that thought hadn't occurred to him. And now that it has, it makes him feel incredibly guilty for not thinking of it. He didn't have parents anymore, so it was easy to forget other people had someone to check in with. People loved them yet weren't on the app so they couldn't understand everything.
What do you even say...]
I...I don't know. [He'll admit to it. no point in pretending otherwise] What...do you think she'd want you to say?
no subject
[ it was probably one of the worst things to be caught between. ]
Mom’d always want the truth.
[ but maybe . . . it should be something he could think more about. maybe after— ]
I need to— [ his eyes water when eren glances down at his clothes, but weep he doesn’t. he only blinks rapidly to keep them at bay, and wants to get up. ] I need to help clean this up.
no subject
[What Clover would want. Respect the wishes of the dead and all that.
He stands up when Eren gives the signs he wants to do so, sticking close to him. Keeping an eye on him.]
Let me help you.
no subject
. . . I don’t know what she’d want.
[ which was highly troubling. after this? it was hard to pinpoint what clover was feeling, why she broke, why she did this. with the mind sent she had been in now, it was almost possible to think that she’d want out of everything asap. she was gone, end of story.
but eren knows that love was all she really wanted, even if it hadn’t been enough. ]
no subject
I-It doesn't have to be decided right away. You can think on it.
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even if he could think about it later, clover was the only one that clung to his thoughts. clover, and how his family fell apart again.
squeezing elliot’s hand, he nods for them to continue. they had to clean this up as much as they could without most of the city freaking out. not that they already weren’t.
eren shifts, the only sound made that same loud boom and static, then begins by cupping the split benches and footing the debris of a crater into a single pile. the titan only breathes. he makes no sound. ]
no subject
So he keeps an eye on him, bending down to pick up any little pieces that a human his size could haul over to the pile. Not...as effective as a big titan, but hey give him a break]