[there's a bitter ghost of a laugh stuck in her throat at the idea that the death of their sister is really what's bringing them together. after they fought so much, so briefly about her in a dream that still feels real, and after Lina had put so much useless, useless work into fixing things.]
I wanted to get good enough at cooking to invite both of you over one day. [so she could show Clover what she'd been missing out on. what she gave up. but that's not... that isn't the important part. and it isn't true anymore anyway.] I wanted to make you the best meals of your lives and get to know my brother better that way.
I wanted to do so much, and I just... [if he's lost people, she probably isn't saying anything new. but this is. this isn't something she knows. and it's not something she wants anyone to know.] I thought I would have more time.
she says everything else, and he hears it, but his mind zones in on the choice and itās meaning. eren certainly doesnāt throw that word around effortlessly with others, and he chooses to judge what heās seen until nowā perhaps lina wasnāt one to say it so easily either.
because ābrotherā was family. eren almost thinks but you donāt know me, and i donāt know youā yet they both did have a sister in common, didnt they? they had an option to pursue. eren purses his lips, remains silent and watches the hands hovering between his legs, until itās back up at the girl. ]
We always need more time. [ he says, softly, because even with enough time, enough was never actually enough. he holds his hand out to her, palm up and open. ] So make the best of every second you have.
[ and this might sound rushed, butā nothing is such when your heart is in the right place. ]
Iād like to get to know another sister with those.
[it's. no, sorry. it's easy for her to do that. it always kind of has been. she's always moved fast, brought people closer into her life than maybe they deserve to be. but it's the only choice she's ever had, because she knows that people leave. and yet she's never prepared when they do.]
Did you—[don't call attention to it, Lina. don't bring up how you called him your brother. don't say anything about how he called you his sister. just don't.] Sorry. Yeah. We can... we can do this.
[she's been through worse.she's seen people get taken from her before. and her hand reaches out, and she takes his, and she holds it tightly—not too tightly, not to hurt him, but enough to know that they're both there. together. her voice is solemn but she's finally able to look at Eren in the eye.]
[he's said it a couple times now, but she's still surprised by it. she's surprised every time people actually want to be around her—she's always been so... bitter, so depressed and negative, and yet so desperate for contact that she'll take any she can get and clutch it until the life is gone, or make it out to be more than it could ever possibly be, or cover up flaws that she tricked herself to never have seen. there's a long pause while she thinks of all that, while she tries to come up with the words.]
How much earlier? I... you had the worst first impression of me. I'm so sorry.
[ eren waves that off with a tongue click and a shake of his head. finally, he can pick up his glass without it trembling, so he takes in water to wet his lips. ]
If we go by that, then Iām probably worse.
[ erenās answer to finishing that dream was of course, killing her, they are better off not using those as anything accurate to go off of. ]
Ever since Clover told me about her other sisters. [ even though, that as a child, eren had the small fear of cloverās āfamilyā returning to take her away. these are adult times now, though. ]
[ha. yeah. adults who would never have fears like that, of families taking sisters away. god, Eren is too good to her. a lot of people are but Eren is the one she's focusing on right now. she still needs a few to collect herself, but if he's able to keep calm then she can probably manage it, too.]
I deserved it. I wish that weren't the side of me you saw, but I think it... I think it needed to happen for me to start to change.
[for her to actually admit that is another one of several steps forward that she's needed to take for a while now. she won't thank him for it, but it's on the tip of her tongue.]
One of my friends taught me to stop assuming things and listen to other people, and. [sigh.] I just wish I'd learned it sooner. But it's like you said. We have the time now and now you can... I don't know. You can get to know the same Lina that Clover knew.
[ the part that mattered most was her acknowledging that, so itās good enough for eren. he wouldnāt even want the thank you. now, he canāt say much about assumptionsā he does that constantly and itās hard to get some reigns on that with difficult people, but. heās getting better, he likes to think. heās working on it. he canāt always be as right as he thinks he is. ]
[though it does... hit her, a little. that the same Lina that Clover knew isn't Lina as she is now. Clover had started to get to know her, to see what she'd turned into and the kind of woman she was trying to become, but... but. Eren would be able to know Lina better than her own sister had. and that would hang over Lina for their entire friendship if she let it, and right now she wasn't in the mood to fight it, but she wasn't really in the mood to succumb to it, either.]
Is there... anything you wanted to know in particular? [a dry, humorless laugh chased that sentence.] I'm not good at talking about myself.
[ a gesture!! and to think, eren was usually the one that thought this about himself at times. he was picky, he was probably hard to deal with, but it didnāt mean he wasnāt social with those he wanted to be with. ]
Start from there. I only cook when I have to.
[ thatās almost always, especially if elliot weesely stays the night . . . dear god the horror ]
[no, that's. as good a place to start as any. and focusing on the one thing that still, 100% makes her happy might be a good way to get her to move forward and pretend like things are going to be... not okay, but. not a complete living nightmare.]
So I... started learning how to cook in the orphanage. Because I used to be a really angry kid, and they decided I needed a more positive outlet for that energy. So I've been cooking for, um, most of my life? Most of my life that matters, at least. [all of it matters and she hopes he doesn't preempt her on that because she knows.] Mostly these days I just cook for my roommate to make sure she's eating things that aren't nutrient shakes.
I met her when she was in . . . My friendās body.
[ yeah when that happened, but erenās interested in hearing as she goes through the rest. it makes him almost smile, because, same hat. eren makes a short pointing gesture to his drum set while he finishes on a last sip of water. ]
Thatās what they gave me for my outlet.
[ he was a very, very angry child when dad passed. ]
[oh! they've met. okay. that's good, at least. hearing that they know each other does make Lina smile, though it's weak, a ghost of what she'd normally have on her face when thinking about Jen—lately, at least. when she notices the drum kit, she tries to force a fuller one.]
There isn't a lot that can get aggression out more than drumming, I guess. [thinking about the time in the orphanage is... difficult, right now. but as long as she doesn't focus on her family, she'll be okay.] They didn't trust me with the stove for a month. They said it was too much fire. Just because one time I accidentally found one matchbook where it didn't belong!
[that was before she found her family, of course. when she was just Carmelina and she had no idea what she was doing but wasn't old enough to make any choices for herself yet. simpler times. the corners of her eyes crinkled up just a little.]
I struck one and set the rest of the book on fire.
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no subject
I wanted to get good enough at cooking to invite both of you over one day. [so she could show Clover what she'd been missing out on. what she gave up. but that's not... that isn't the important part. and it isn't true anymore anyway.] I wanted to make you the best meals of your lives and get to know my brother better that way.
I wanted to do so much, and I just... [if he's lost people, she probably isn't saying anything new. but this is. this isn't something she knows. and it's not something she wants anyone to know.] I thought I would have more time.
no subject
she says everything else, and he hears it, but his mind zones in on the choice and itās meaning. eren certainly doesnāt throw that word around effortlessly with others, and he chooses to judge what heās seen until nowā perhaps lina wasnāt one to say it so easily either.
because ābrotherā was family. eren almost thinks but you donāt know me, and i donāt know youā yet they both did have a sister in common, didnt they? they had an option to pursue. eren purses his lips, remains silent and watches the hands hovering between his legs, until itās back up at the girl. ]
We always need more time. [ he says, softly, because even with enough time, enough was never actually enough. he holds his hand out to her, palm up and open. ] So make the best of every second you have.
[ and this might sound rushed, butā nothing is such when your heart is in the right place. ]
Iād like to get to know another sister with those.
no subject
Did you—[don't call attention to it, Lina. don't bring up how you called him your brother. don't say anything about how he called you his sister. just don't.] Sorry. Yeah. We can... we can do this.
[she's been through worse. she's seen people get taken from her before. and her hand reaches out, and she takes his, and she holds it tightly—not too tightly, not to hurt him, but enough to know that they're both there. together. her voice is solemn but she's finally able to look at Eren in the eye.]
For Clover.
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I'm doing this for me me, too. [ just to give her a slight correction. ] I wanted to get to know you much earlier.
no subject
[he's said it a couple times now, but she's still surprised by it. she's surprised every time people actually want to be around her—she's always been so... bitter, so depressed and negative, and yet so desperate for contact that she'll take any she can get and clutch it until the life is gone, or make it out to be more than it could ever possibly be, or cover up flaws that she tricked herself to never have seen. there's a long pause while she thinks of all that, while she tries to come up with the words.]
How much earlier? I... you had the worst first impression of me. I'm so sorry.
no subject
If we go by that, then Iām probably worse.
[ erenās answer to finishing that dream was of course, killing her, they are better off not using those as anything accurate to go off of. ]
Ever since Clover told me about her other sisters. [ even though, that as a child, eren had the small fear of cloverās āfamilyā returning to take her away. these are adult times now, though. ]
no subject
I deserved it. I wish that weren't the side of me you saw, but I think it... I think it needed to happen for me to start to change.
[for her to actually admit that is another one of several steps forward that she's needed to take for a while now. she won't thank him for it, but it's on the tip of her tongue.]
One of my friends taught me to stop assuming things and listen to other people, and. [sigh.] I just wish I'd learned it sooner. But it's like you said. We have the time now and now you can... I don't know. You can get to know the same Lina that Clover knew.
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Thereās nothing stopping you.
[ by all meansā they have all night. ]
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[though it does... hit her, a little. that the same Lina that Clover knew isn't Lina as she is now. Clover had started to get to know her, to see what she'd turned into and the kind of woman she was trying to become, but... but. Eren would be able to know Lina better than her own sister had. and that would hang over Lina for their entire friendship if she let it, and right now she wasn't in the mood to fight it, but she wasn't really in the mood to succumb to it, either.]
Is there... anything you wanted to know in particular? [a dry, humorless laugh chased that sentence.] I'm not good at talking about myself.
no subject
[ a gesture!! and to think, eren was usually the one that thought this about himself at times. he was picky, he was probably hard to deal with, but it didnāt mean he wasnāt social with those he wanted to be with. ]
Start from there. I only cook when I have to.
[ thatās almost always, especially if elliot weesely stays the night . . . dear god the horror ]
no subject
[no, that's. as good a place to start as any. and focusing on the one thing that still, 100% makes her happy might be a good way to get her to move forward and pretend like things are going to be... not okay, but. not a complete living nightmare.]
So I... started learning how to cook in the orphanage. Because I used to be a really angry kid, and they decided I needed a more positive outlet for that energy. So I've been cooking for, um, most of my life? Most of my life that matters, at least. [all of it matters and she hopes he doesn't preempt her on that because she knows.] Mostly these days I just cook for my roommate to make sure she's eating things that aren't nutrient shakes.
no subject
[ yeah when that happened, but erenās interested in hearing as she goes through the rest. it makes him almost smile, because, same hat. eren makes a short pointing gesture to his drum set while he finishes on a last sip of water. ]
Thatās what they gave me for my outlet.
[ he was a very, very angry child when dad passed. ]
no subject
There isn't a lot that can get aggression out more than drumming, I guess. [thinking about the time in the orphanage is... difficult, right now. but as long as she doesn't focus on her family, she'll be okay.] They didn't trust me with the stove for a month. They said it was too much fire. Just because one time I accidentally found one matchbook where it didn't belong!
[that was before she found her family, of course. when she was just Carmelina and she had no idea what she was doing but wasn't old enough to make any choices for herself yet. simpler times. the corners of her eyes crinkled up just a little.]
I struck one and set the rest of the book on fire.